The last few weeks have been spent, amidst the necessary busyness of life, in contemplation of my future and my calling. I feel like a college kid trying to figure out my major, without the benefits of a carefree life and limitless energy. I read a quote yesterday which sums up my dilemma and offers not the solutions that I seek but the wisdom that I need.
I have not lost my way- it is just that so many ways open before me that sometimes I hardly know which way to choose. To decide for one is to decide against another. I never imagined it would be this hard.
Now you know. The higher a person’s call and vision, the more choices are given them. This is our work in creation: to decide. And what we decide is woven into the thread of time and being forever. Choose wisely, then, but you must choose.
Stephen Lawhead, Merlin
What an awesome responsibility! I want to choose wisely, but fear that I don’t know enough to make the best choice. We’re not talking wall paint colors or dinner menus here; we’re talking about life choices that impact my entire family one way or another; choices that, no matter which way I choose, will have a ripple effect on those I love and care about the most. And yet, they leave the decision up to me.
They know, deep down, that no one can make these choices but me, but it somehow seems unfair to them for me to decide and make them live with the consequences of the decision. Maybe I just don’t really want to choose. Maybe I’d prefer to go back to a simpler stage of life when the tough decisions were things like which brand of baby food was best and how to start potty training. Granted, it was a time filled with so much sleep deprivation that rational life choices would have been nearly impossible, but it was also a time when the effects of my choices were contained within the walls of my house.
But that time is over and we are here, at the crossroads. None of the paths is clearly marked and no guide awaits to whisk me along. So I sit. And contemplate. And pray. And one day soon, I will make the choice.