Wisdom Pursuit

It all started last Sunday morning, with my husband tentatively telling me that he’d had a disturbing dream the night before. “I don’t know if I should tell you this, ” he said (as I got that queasy feeling in my stomach), “but I had a dream last night that your dad died.”  Not the way you really want your Sunday morning to start…or any other morning, for that matter.  However, since he has not been known to have prophetic visions before, and does often have unusual dreams, I didn’t think too much more about it.

Until Tuesday night.

My phone rang and my mom’s shaky voice on the other end was telling me that Dad was on the road somewhere about an hour from home and that the last people he saw noticed he was slurring his words before he left.  The conversation I had had with my husband came back to mind with gut-wrenching horror -  it couldn’t really have been true, could it? And why would anyone let someone who was obviously having difficulties get in their car and drive home?

Oh, yeah. We’re talking about my dad here - one of the last of the  Marlboro Man I can do anything and nothing can stop me generation.

For forty- five painful minutes I had visions of my dad’s car wrapped around a tree somewhere on a rural road as he lay helpless. But against the odds, he showed up at home, still not sure he needed to go to the hospital, but no longer protesting as my mom quickly drove him there.

Miraculously, he emerged with only a mild stroke affecting his speech and no paralysis, and is getting more of his words back every day. We expect a nearly complete recovery, but things will still never be the same.  We have come face to face with the frailty of life, and that even our seemingly invincible dad is getting a few chinks in his armor as he ages. I have watched my mom struggle to handle the monumental tasks that suddenly dropped with a crushing force on her shoulders.  And  I wonder…how much can I do when I live 10 hours away?

Because I have a wonderfully supportive husband and terrific local in-laws who adore my children, I was able to escape my mom duties  to come home and help my parents.  But, I’m only here for a week, and the need is much greater than I had realized. I am beginning to feel the pull of the sandwich generation - people torn between raising their own family and helping their parents as they age.

How do you find the balance between pouring your efforts into raising  the children God has blessed you with and giving back to the people who gave unselfishly to you as you grew up ?  Particularly when you don’t live nearby? According to the Pew Research Center, there are over 10 million people in the US juggling this load every day. So, I am certainly not alone. And I do have a sister, who lives only four hours  from my parents, but she has four young children and a job, so it’s not any easier for her to be here on short notice.

I find myself re-evaluating the life decisions I made years ago - should I ask my husband to leave a job he enjoys,  uproot my kids, and move closer to home?  But then we leave my husband’s parents behind, and his only sibling does not live in town.

There are no easy answers in a culture that prides itself on independence and freedom of choice. If I had understood in my early 20’s the choices that I would face 20 years later, would it have made a difference in the path I chose? I don’t know. Experience is the best teacher, and wisdom is rarely bestowed upon the young.

But of this much I am sure -   life is precious and can be snuffed out without warning.  We were granted a reprieve this time, and it will make every day together that much sweeter.

Educational Excellence in a Personal Environment

That is the motto of the University of West Georgia, which we visited last weekend, and is also in line with our family’s values.  They have one of the few residential early-college entrance programs in the country. These programs are designed for gifted high school students who are not sufficiently challenged in their home high school.

Even though it is a medium-sized state university, every staff member, including the president himself,  is required to teach at least one undergraduate class per year. To us, that clearly demonstrated the commitment to the personal environment; there are no administrators sitting in offices, ignorant of the “real world” of student life. The president, Dr. Sethna, is passionate about the early college program, known as the Advanced Academy, and the students who are part of it. He encourages many of them to collaborate on research with their professors, and some high school students have the opportunity to present papers at national professional meetings.

The Advanced Academy students that we met seemed to be much like our son - bright, discontented with high school, a little bit geeky, and eager to face the academic challenges of college classes at an early age.

The academic experience appeared wonderful, while the buildings themselves were…not. I am inspired by beautiful surroundings, and 1970’s era brick buildings are not my idea of beauty. But, as my son pointed out, he doesn’t care about the  buildings, and he’s the one who would be living there.

So, what’s not to like about a high school experience where the students are among the nation’s brightest, are taught college level courses in small, seminar style classes by full professors, and who graduate high school effectively as college juniors, often with wonderful scholarship opportunities?

It is four hours away from our house.

My then-16 year old would move away from home before he even learns how to drive.

I tear up just thinking about it. We would only have 16 more months of life together as a family as we now know it.

But, what is the cost of keeping him here? For no choice is without a cost, and a decision to keep him here is a decision to close doors for him that might not open again.

Can we offer him a stimulating, excellent education with peers like himself while still keeping him at home? We’ve been trying, but the options are few and looking less promising all the time.

One alternative we have just discovered is an online classical school. It offers classes in line with our educational philosophy that he could not get anywhere locally. The online school offers educational excellence, but is it a personal environment? Depends on how you define it, I guess.

The wonders of modern technology would allow him to take classes in real time and hold discussions with the teacher and a small group of students during class. They can share written material via an online whiteboard and comment on each other’s work.  It’s almost as good as really being there. Almost.

But there are no friends to eat lunch with or to hang out with on the weekends, except in the virtual chat rooms. No sports or clubs with friends from class.

Virtual friendships are great, but everyone needs some friends with skin on.

And I need some more time with my son at home.

Choices, choices. Wish life didn’t have to be so hard.

Choices are the hinges of destiny.

Pythagoras

I never understood before how the parents of young Olympic athletes in our country could fathom allowing their child to move away from home while still a child, live in a dorm with other highly driven and dedicated athletes, and only visit their families a few times a year. Now, we were not blessed with gifted athletes in our family, so it was always just an academic discussion, a “what-if” scenario where my husband and I were sure that we would never make those choices for our children. Family is too important and the gold medal too elusive — the cost was just too high. Well, you know what they say about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes….

We still do not have an Olympic-caliber athlete in our home, but we do have a brilliant young son who has hit an academic wall of sorts; the kind of wall every mother thinks she wants to face. When I called the guidance counselor to explain that he just didn’t feel challenged in his honors classes, she responded, “Well, that’s a great problem to have. That’s wonderful!” Only it isn’t. It means that he faces the very real possibility of being unchallenged for 3-1/2 more years before college. That he could cave to the pressure of the masses and just stop caring, never to be all that he is capable of becoming.

So, how do we stave off this potential disaster and help him find a way to stretch himself and his mind? We have met with the teachers and guidance counselor, but their solution seems to be to let him continue on the current path. After all, he is making A’s, so why are we complaining? Also, their hands are tied by local regulations so they can’t let him skip ahead without extensive and expensive testing which they seem unwilling to do.  The other students are already calling him “the kid who knows everything” because of his great vocabulary. He insists that he doesn’t; that there is plenty left for him to learn, but it falls on deaf ears when he appears light years ahead of the rest of them.

He needs a peer group of students who love learning as much as he does and who can feel the thrill of the academic challenge. And where can we find that for him? One option we are seriously considering is an early-college entrance program. There are only a handful of programs like this in the country, where gifted high school juniors and seniors enroll in a particular college, but all live together in a dorm just for them, with more restrictions than the regular college students but all of the academic opportunities.

Yes, I have shed many a tear over this, wrestling with the idea that my first-born may be leaving home two years sooner than we expected. He has a close relationship with us and with his brother and sister, so it would be a tough transition. It’s all still in the discussion stages – no bags packed yet-but when I watched the promo video for this program, I knew. When he watched it, his face lit up. His dad got excited about all of the opportunities it would offer him. Next week, we will attend a Preview Day to get a taste of life on campus.

It’s not a done deal yet. But in my heart, I’m sympathizing with all the parents of young Olympic athletes out there. I get it now – they didn’t make those hard choices for their kids; the children chose because it was who they were created to be. Having a child with an exceptional gift or talent is certainly a blessing, but helping them to find the right outlet to refine their skills can be a bittersweet experience.

It finally hit me yesterday why I’ve been so wishy-washy lately. I have recognized how I was acting, but couldn’t put my finger on why it was happening. I kept blaming it on my “mid-life crisis” and getting more and more frustrated at my indecisive self. I’ve always been the leader of groups, the organizer, the generator of new ideas -what was wrong with me?

So, yesterday I was listening to an audioclass on writing a business plan and it hit me. The culprit was FEAR, pure and simple. I’m planning to move outside of the comfort zone I’ve been in for nearly 20 years. After much thought and prayer, I believe this is the right direction, but it requires learning some new skills. Part of me periodically fights the idea, preferring to remain in the safety and familiarity of the status quo. FEAR keeps many people from ever living up to their potential, and I could have easily become one of its victims.

Ever had one of those days where you get in the car and the lyrics of a song on the radio seem to be written just for you? God was speaking to me, loud and clear, through Brandon Heath’s song Don’t Get Comfortable. The words are not profound, but they were exactly the message that I needed:

Comfortable, don’t get comfortable. I am gonna move this mountain then I’m gonna move you in.

Okay, God, I get it. I can justify myself and make up great excuses all day long, but in the end, You are big enough to overcome all the obstacles that I can dream up. You have a great plan for me and I would be a fool not to let You carry it out.

Yesterday, this is not yesterday.
You were standing on my shoulders ; now you’re standing on the edge.

Where I was yesterday was the right place at that point in my life, but this is a new day and He has a new plan for me. Though I have stood securely in the center of His will, confident that I was where I should be, He is now asking me to take a leap of faith -and that’s not so comfortable!

You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.
If you seek you’ll find me every time.

I was looking for a sign; it just didn’t appear the way I expected. Did it really take this many months for me to be ready to hear what God had to say? How embarrassing!

I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love like you’ve never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song

Why do we doubt that God wants to do great things for us? We know how much He loves us, so why is it so easy to get caught in the trap of believing that we don’t deserve better?

So afraid but you don’t have to be afraid
Even if you make mistakes
You know that I’ll remain

How did He know that I’ve been literally paralyzed by fear and didn’t even recognize it? I guess my perfectionist side found it easier to create endless diversions and alternate plans rather than face the fact that I might make mistakes doing something new.

Do you want to live like you used to dream?

You’ve got a new song

I think (I hope!) I’m finally ready to push forward with passion and determination towards the new adventure God has for me. My new song is being written; how about yours?

It will cost you nothing to dream...and everything not to

How can you save money on groceries, save time in your day, and still please the whole family? With a recipe that takes advantage of a cheaper cut of meat by cooking it all day in the crockpot, making for an easy dinner when you get home in the evening.

My oldest son LOVES pork loin, and when he saw a pork loin roast on sale in the paper, he began waving the ad in front of me. “Please, mom, please will you get this?” You’d think I never fed the boy meat, but he is a teen after all, so any meal eaten more than ten minutes before doesn’t count.

I realized at the store that this was a loin roast and not the pork loin that I usually buy on sale. Nonetheless, for $1.78 a pound, I was willing to experiment.

Since this son is gluten-intolerant, I have to adapt many recipes to make them work for our dinner table. In an online search, I found two recipes that sounded great. I took my favorite ingredients from each, eliminated the flour, and a new family hit was created:

Crockpot Brown Sugar Glazed Pork Roast

1 pork loin roast

1c. brown sugar

1 T. Dijon mustard

2 T. apple cider vinegar

2 cloves garlic

1/2 t. chili powder

1 t. salt

1/2 t. black pepper

1/2 t. cumin

1t. cinnamon

Place the pork loin roast in a crockpot. Mix all other ingredients together in a bowl to form a thick paste. Rub it all over the roast, set the crockpot to cook for 8 hours, and you’re done.

In the evening, I cooked up some rice in the rice cooker and heated some vegetables to go with it. The roast in its own juices over the rice was great, but if you like a thicker gravy, you could add some cornstarch or flour just before serving.

If you try it, let me know what your family thinks!

A house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body.
Benjamin Franklin

Lectures, DARE presentations, and well-scripted movies have nothing over a bonfire for keeping your kids off drugs. Why? Because one of the top ways to keep your kids clean is to have strong family relationships, and one of the best ways our family has found to enjoy each other’s company is around our backyard firepit, warming up by the bonfire.

On Valentine’s Day, rather than enjoying an intimate evening out with every other couple in town, my husband and I opted for a relaxing evening at home with our kids. Since there was a hint of spring in the air, the kids requested one of their favorite activities, which is gathering around the fire pit to enjoy a bonfire. Something about just being outside of the house helps everyone relax and talk more freely.

This time, we read stories about Hudson Taylor, a famous missionary to China, and talked about the amazing ways God had helped him through some difficult trials. One thing led to another, and before we knew it, we were having a very frank discussion with our teen and tweens about the dangers of drunk driving and of playing around with drugs. What seemed to be just an innocent evening out under the stars became a wonderful opportunity to reinforce the boundaries protecting our children’s innocence, with no lecture necessary.

So, why do we need the bonfire to stimulate these discussions? I think stepping outside, even just a few feet from our home, takes away the pull of the computer and video games and myriad distractions of daily life. Gathering the wood and lighting the fire creates a sense of freedom, of being on vacation, where it is easier to let down your guard and open your heart. Something about the outside air causes our children to waver back and forth between utter abandon in play and serious contemplation. They run around playing chase in the dark and then huddle by the fire, drinking hot chocolate, watching the stars, and considering the great questions of the world. Every time we spend an evening out there, we agree to do it more often, but we often allow too many weeks, or months, to go by before we do it again.

The time that used to be spent reading fairy tales is now sometimes spent talking about things no parent wants to discuss, but can’t abide the consequences of avoiding. Our kids are growing up quickly, and our bonfires are numbered. We’re going to light as many fires as we can, and pray that the discussions that result will continue to guide our kids’ choices as they move further away from that familiar glow.

Group presentations. One of my least favorite memories from high school!

My ninth grader was assigned his first group presentation in history class with two other boys he knew from his previous school. They were to have one week to work on it, but the illness of one combined with unexpected snow days left two of the three of them with one class period to prepare. I had encouraged them to talk on the phone while school was out and to at least map out a plan of what they were going to do. They did talk some, but I think the lure of days off was too great.

However, he came home from school Thursday confident that they had put together a nice Powerpoint presentation, which he had on his flash drive, and he just needed to make a poster. Being the cautious and somewhat fatalistic mother, I asked if they had made a backup copy of the Powerpoint file. No, his partner didn’t have Powerpoint at home, so they hadn’t seen any reason to make two copies of it; my son had the only copy even though the other guy would be giving the presentation. It all made sense to them.

We made the poster, did our evening activities, and went to bed. As we were walking out the door in the morning, I suggested that he double-check to be sure his flash drive was in his backpack. It wasn’t.

There was a ten minute flurry of activity as every couch cushion, pants pocket, and bed cover was overturned in a frantic search for the crucial two-inch long device. No luck.

As I saw his eyes filling with tears and the panic squeezing his throat, I knew that I had a choice to make. I could deliver the mommy lecture that was on the tip of my tongue and ensure that he left the house feeling defeated, or I could use the opportunity to teach him some valuable life skills.

So, taking a deep breath and fighting back all of the I told you so’s clamoring to escape my throat, I said, “Okay. You’re about to learn a great lesson in adaptability!” I quickly grabbed a coffee-table book that we own on his subject and told him to head to the van. His presentation was in his first period class, so there really was no extra time.

On the way, I had him write out whatever details he remembered from the powerpoint and think about how to use the pictures we had. I shared my own experiences of speaking “off the cuff” and assured him that the most important thing was to appear confident in what he was saying, and that I knew they would be fine.

Deep breath.

There was just enough time to run into the school library and print out a couple more important pictures. The first bell rang. The printer didn’t work. With the librarian’s help, he got the pictures printed, with two minutes to get to class. “Confidence,” I said, as we parted ways. “You can do this.”

And he did.

He told me that afternoon that all three guys were able to divide up the resources they had, deliver their talks, and no one else was the wiser. The teacher even told us at parent night that they had done a nice job.

As I watched him walk down the hall that morning, I felt like the mother bird screaming “Fly, fly, fly” to her fledgling on the ground as the hungry cat lurks nearby.

He did fly, with only minutes to spare, and those wings are getting stronger every day.

Perhaps you have seen this story circulating before, but I read it for the first time recently and thought it was worth passing along.

Carrots, Eggs, And Coffee

Turning to her he asked. “Darling ,what do you see,”

Smartly, she replied. “Carrots, eggs, and coffee.”

Humbly, she asked. “What does it mean, Father?”

“The coffee beans are unique however. After they were in the boiling water, it became stronger and richer.” “Which are you?” he asked his daughter.

When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?
Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

Are you like a carrot, normally strong, but after facing pain and adversity, do you wilt, become soft and lose your natural inner strength?

Are you like the egg, starting with a malleable heart, but changed by the heat? Did you have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, your outside shell looks the same, but on the inside are you bitter and tough with a hardened heart?

This weekend was an eye-opener for me. I attended my first ever blogging conference, sponsored by Blissfully Domestic and One2OneNetwork, and got a taste of just how popular blogging has become and of what a techno-dinosaur I really am. My geeky husband was probably surprised to learn that I now have computer envy - me, who relies on him for all of my html code needs. I’ve been perfectly content with my hand-me down laptop until I spent a weekend with all the latest and greatest. Hmm… new laptop, or school tuition payment….

Facebook became my friend several months ago, and I thought I was pretty progressive. I was introduced to Twitter at this conference and was simply amazed to watch a roomful of women communicating with each other all day long without actually speaking. Yes, there was lots of talking going on as well, but the amount of online conversation, even during speakers and performers, was just mind-boggling to me. I succumbed to the pressure and opened a Twitter account, so please come follow me, @wisdompursuit, as I attempt to join the party.

Because women bloggers are becoming recognized as a powerful marketing voice, there were several prominent public relations specialists in attendance, including John Andrews, the social media representative from Wal-Mart. He discussed the value of the Eleven Moms blog and offered to send two people in attendance to South by Southwest. Okay, I admit I’m getting old; I had no idea what that was when he offered it, but the crowd sure got excited! One of the lucky winners was Robin of Pensieve, so be sure to see what she has to say, since I, techno and music dinosaur, will not be attending.

Thanks to Barbara Jones of One2OneNetwork, we were treated to a sneak preview of a soon to be released Disney project called Yanni Voices. It is a stunning concert of up and coming talented young singers who have put words to some of Yanni’s best music. We thoroughly enjoyed the wide-screen show and I highly recommend watching the debut on PBS in March, and attending live if you have the chance. The real surprise came afterwards, though, when two of the singers, Nathan Pacheco and Ender Thomas, walked into the room. A room full of baby sling-wearing “mommy bloggers” was suddenly transformed into a teenage swooning party. Yes, they were very talented singers, and yes, they were cute, but in the almost-young -enough- to-be-my-child sort of way. Not in the I’ll-just-die-if-he-speaks-to-me sort of way. At least not for me. I’ve moved on to a different phase of life, and I think it shows in the one comment I remember from their appearance. Nathan Pacheco told us that the one thing he wanted us to remember about him was this:

A mother carried her son to her dream. You mothers have more power than you know.

Kudos to Mrs. Pacheco, wherever she is. There is a mother who was dedicated to being a mom, and it paid off for her and her son. She has accomplished what I am striving to achieve - launching a child into the world who is pursuing his dream, confident in who he was created to be, and thankful to the people in his life who helped him to get there.

We were encouraged this weekend to consider why we blog and what we hope to accomplish with it. For me, blogging is a way to process my reflections on life and share them with others in the hopes that together, we can journey through life with a clearer purpose and end up at our destinations surrounded by people who love us and who are cheering us on as we arrive.

Who’s up for the journey?

Isn’t that what we all dream of- a beautiful life? Coming to the end of our days with no regrets, no major goals unfinished, and at peace with our world and our Maker? But many of us get caught up in the rat race of life and decide, usually by default rather than conscious choice, that we just don’t have enough time, energy, money, talent, or ______( you fill in the blank) to have the life we always dreamed of having. So, we settle. This is just the way it is, the best I can do, we tell ourselves. And we stop trying. But what if that isn’t true? What if, in just a few minutes a day, you could begin to have the life you always dreamed of, one step at a time? Would it be worth it? Would you give it a try?

Your diamonds are not in far distant mountains or in yonder seas; they are in your own backyard, if you but dig for them.

Russel H. Conwell

I had a busier than usual holiday and post-holiday season and am just this week stopping to pause and reflect on the goals I want to set for this year. Pulling out an old friend, Simple Abundance , by Sarah Ban Breathnach, I resolved to read through it in the coming months and put her ideas of Simple Abundance and authentic living into practice in my home and in my life. I am inspired by beauty, and can feed my soul by creating a new beautiful space somewhere in my home.

For me, part of a Beautiful Life is having a Beautiful Home, at least in the rooms we use frequently. Just because I cannot hire a designer to make over my rooms every few months, all is not lost. One of my favorite ways to spruce up my home on a tight budget is to utilize the principle of Use What you Have Decorating. By simply moving a piece of furniture or an accent piece to another room, I can create a whole new look without spending a dime. My husband and I have collected pottery since we got married almost 19 years ago, so I’m always trying to display the pottery without it looking like a pottery studio. My family of bookworms has filled far too many bookshelves in our house, so I experimented this week with using books as part of the decor intermingled with the pottery.

I’m pretty pleased with the results and have completely changed the look of my family room without any major purchases. I feel at peace and content when I sit in that room, and it feels warm and inviting to my family and friends. Now that’s a beautiful life!